Yes! Please tell me no!

NO! We sure give that word a lot of power over us don’t we? We fear it. We avoid it. We feel bad when we hear it because we tell ourselves it is bad and scary.

What if I told you that the power of that word belongs to you? It isn’t something to be feared. It is your strongest ally.

What if I told you that in order to build successful relationships, whether it is with a partner, your child or a client you have to WANT them to tell you no? It’s true.

We don’t like to hear “no” because we don’t realize that it is within our power to choose whether it triggers positive or negative emotions. It is what we make the word mean that creates the emotion. If we don’t attach negative thoughts to hearing the word “no” it is simply information.

Let’s say you are driving your car and you come up to a stop sign. It is telling you, “No. You have to stop here.” How do you react? Do you cry because you are telling yourself, “It just told me no and I don’t know what to do?” Do you feel angry because you are telling yourself, “It told me no. It isn’t letting me go where I want to go?” Do you give up, get out of the car and walk away because you are telling yourself, “I just got another no. I just can’t do this any more?”

I hope you are laughing by now. Of course we don’t. We actually welcome that information. We tell ourselves, “This means I need to stop and look both ways before I move again or I have a good chance of being hurt.” We simply acknowledge the facts, stay alert, watch where we are going and move forward without stirring our emotions up at all. (If we are in a hurry we can probably stir up all kinds of negative emotions but, again, it is just what we are telling ourselves about it! Like, “I’m going to be late!”)

When you meet someone new and you go out on a date and the person says yes when they really mean no, how do you get to know them? Any relationship that you build with someone who doesn’t tell you no when no is what they feel is based on false information. Wouldn’t you say that you WANT to know their “no”? If you don’t know their true likes and dislikes you could wind up marrying someone you didn’t even know you were dating!

When you are deciding where to go to dinner and you want Greek / Italian food and your date says, “No, that really isn’t my favorite, what about Chinese instead?” You have learned something. Now you have more information to base your relationship on.

When you ask a friend if they wanted to go to the movies with you tonight and they say no, what would feel better? Putting a negative emotional spin on it by telling yourself, “They don’t want to spend time with me anymore?” or simply telling yourself the facts, “They don’t want to go to the movie with me tonight,” and make other plans?

What about when your child says NO? Do you say Woohoo! Yes! Yes! Yes! My child is learning about who they are? This interesting and unique individual who has come to live with you is not only learning their likes and dislikes they are sharing that sacred trust with you! Don’t take away their “no.” It is there to serve them. Let them express their individuality. Give them the freedom to stretch and grow.

Does that mean that I am saying that children can raise themselves? Absolutely not. That is not freedom. Only children who feel safe are truly free to grow up to be who they are. That is what OUR “no” is for! (They learned the word from us, after all!)

As children are growing, it is a parent’s job to teach them to be responsible people, giving them boundaries, helping them learn the law of consequences; you pick up one end of the stick you pick up the other. You say yes to the responsibility of your chores and you say yes to an hour of TV. You say no to your homework and you say no to time on the computer. Their choice. Their “yes” and their “no.” And the boundaries of your “no” keep them safe.

As children learn responsibility and their parents widen those boundaries they learn, step by step, what it takes to be a responsible adult. When they step outside of those boundaries as an adult they are safe in their own, ‘no.’ They know how to set their own boundaries and the ability to take care of themselves is the greatest gift you can give them.

What about in business? Do you WANT the prospective clients who are telling you no to become your clients? If you do a hard sell just to turn someone’s “no” into a yes that is not success. You have just found a person who will passive/aggressively tell you no by their actions; not showing up for appointments or cancelling at the last minute. If the person who says yes when they really mean no will, not only drop off your client list, but may discourage others from using your services or buying your products, wouldn’t you rather accept their no up front?

To build a solid relationship in any area of your life, what you need is an honest answer.

No. What a beautiful word. If you welcome it, it gives you freedom. It gives you valuable information. It lets you get to know who people really are so that you can find your perfect partner, learn about that interesting human being that you are raising and build a business full of clients that are the perfect clients for you.

The funny thing is, when you tell people, “Yes, please tell me no, if that is what feels right to you,” it also gives them the freedom to tell you yes.